BY DAVID MONTERO
If this story were to be brought to you by the LA Kiss, IT WOULD BE IN ALL CAPS. WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!! PROBABLY IN BOLD!!!! And the paper would burst into flames as you read it.
The LA Kiss will stage its home opener against the Portland Thunder Saturday night at the Honda Center in Anaheim. The team, co-owned by Kiss founders Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley, plans a melding of a theatrical rock concert with football, all while doing what guitarist Nigel Tufnel suggested in “This is Spinal Tap” – cranking it up to 11.
LA Kiss President Schuyler Hoversten said the spectacle will be such that fans won’t have a chance to breathe. And some of the concepts are edgy enough that the team is still planning dry runs before attempting them at game time.
One such idea: During introductions, have four of the LA Kiss players descend in a pod from the ceiling to the field.
But with narrow catwalks in the upper rafters of Honda Center, the players might have to put themselves in position to descend from the roof, an idea Hoversten said has been met with some resistance. Among those who don’t want to descend is defense star Beau Bell, who noted not long after it was proposed that he is afraid of heights. The roof is more than 100 feet from the floor.
“We’re hoping for the best,” Hoversten said. “But it may seem crazy – as if you’re walking the plank on a pirate ship.”
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!!
The LA Kiss’ blitzkrieg of sight and sound will include shooting flames, fireworks, steel cages filled with dancing go-go girls and BMX riders performing stunts during time-outs and any other nanosecond of down time.
But Harlan Hendrickson, the team’s executive producer of entertainment, is hoping there won’t be any downtime for spectators at the game. (Did we mention there will be an Arena League Football game played between the LA Kiss (1-1) and the Thunder (0-2) at 6:30 p.m.?)
“We don’t want people to blink,” Hendrickson said. “If you have to go to the bathroom, you’re pretty much screwed.”
The LA Kiss also plans to roll out signs from past shows of Kiss, the band, to set the stage for a halftime concert by Steel Panther – a heavy metal band whose latest album, “All You Can Eat,” features 12 tracks, all of which are labeled as “explicit.”
Hendrickson said a rap group will perform, too, and “if there’s a dude who can flip on a unicycle, let’s throw him out there, too.”
Now, hurry up and pour some water on this before you burn your hand.