November 05, 2009
Kiss merchandise for hearth, home, and the hereafter

Kiss sweeps into the United Center on Friday on a cloud of hairspray and stage smoke, proving to fans that even in middle-age, its members still know how to rock--and sell some merch. The make-up masked quartet have had its faces and band logo painted, plastered, screen-printed, engraved, and stenciled onto any number of products over the years, but what's out there for the band's more practical fans? (Not everyone's gonna be ready to drop $250 on a "KISS Creatures box set" tableaux.) The A.V. Club sifted through T-shirts, lithographs, and Gene Simmons busts to find seven unexpectedly practical items with Kiss branding.

Kiss pencils
Sure, you could get an ordinary yellow No. 2 pencil with a pink eraser, but why would you ever do that when you could erase while staring at Ace Frehley (he might not be in the band anymore, but his legacy lives on in pencil form)? While not exciting, a Kiss pencil is certainly much more practical than a Kiss pen--because even Kiss know that mistakes happen.

Kiss retro-style Thermos five-pack
Never let it be said that Kiss doesn't keep the working man in mind. The band's job might involve endless nights of bouncing around with guitars while wearing tights, but the guys know that the rest of us have to punch a time-card five days a week. Thank the lord (or the dark master) for this set of hot and cold thermoses. Each one bears a different image so your co-workers can't mock you for bringing in the same Kiss Thermos every day. Not only will they keep your soup hot, they'll also keep your beer cold so you can surreptitiously drink at your desk.

Kiss "Rock And Roll Over Cocktail Table"
One of the challenges of throwing a cocktail party is having enough surface area for placing stuff down. Fortunately, the Kiss brand knows your struggles. Perhaps nothing says "well-prepared host or hostess" like a cocktail table, and perhaps nothing says "hard-rocking host or hostess who happens to be well prepared" like a cocktail table graced with the images of your four favorite face-painted rockers.

Kiss Toothbrush
The people at Hasbro, with consent from Kiss, have come up with a way to make polishing those pearly whites totally rock; gone are the days of feeling like you just wasted two minutes of your life on routine, boring daily hygiene. This magical, musical toothbrush is not only tricked out with Kiss' image, it also plays "Rock N' Roll All Night" while you brush. From the website:

Sound vibrations stream from the bristles through your teeth so you can actually hear the music inside your head. To increase the volume, simply increase your brushing pressure. The better you brush, the better the sound! If you brush well, you'll actually hear two full minutes of music by your favorite artists.
This toothbrush just proved that stereo systems are for pussies.

Kiss Condom
Kiss understands the necessity of preventing unwanted pregnancies; it also understands that, even if you aren't sleeping with dozens of groupies on a nightly basis, you've still gotta keep those irritating STDs at bay. The Kiss condom's wrapper declares that it's "tongue lubricated," which doesn't seem completely sanitary. But hey, that's sex, Kiss-style, baby.

Kiss coffeehouse franchise
Once you get past building some giant boots and a sparkly belt as part of the "signature Kiss Coffeehouse storefront," you can start selling "coffee with attitude" as fast as your minions can brew it. And hey, maybe Gene Simmons will show up for a photo op at your grand opening!

Kiss Kasket
It doesn't get more practical than this: The sensible far-thinking Kiss fan has to start preparing for the end, now. After you rock out for the final time, won't it be a little bit easier on your friends and family if they aren't burdened with tasks like choosing an appropriate casket for you? Your folks will be able to grieve just a little less knowing that you'll be going six feet deep in a water-tight vessel that the worms won't be able to crawl in or out of, and with Kiss Forever boldly emblazoned across the coffin's side, your priorities in life will remain plain in death. Oh, and while you patiently wait for the time when you and the Kiss logo can rest together for eternity, the Kasket (remember, it's watertight!) doubles as an "edgy" cooler to hold beers at those cocktail parties you'll be having now that you have the Kiss cocktail table.